The lip piercing

For many years now I’ve wanted my lip piercing and also more tattoos, I’ve always taken lots of time pondering over tattoos because I remember everyone at age 14 upwards  getting Chinese symbols that probably mean ‘chicken fried rice’, dolphins, the classic Celtic on lower back, British bulldogs, Tasmanian devil or tweety pie. Then most girls i knew would be getting their belly buttons pierced way before they left school and back then I’d of loved it doing but I didn’t like the idea of pain when I had a belly button worthy of flashing. So I’ve always took my time in deciding these things because I knew so many who regretted it.

My one and only tattoo is stars on my belly for Isaac, I had them done on his 4th birthday in tribute to him and I love it, it’s where he started-in my belly. He grew with my Leela bump, she always laid on that side too and now she is chattering away she points them out ‘stttaaaaarrrr!!!’ and counts them 🙂

Then I think the first time I wanted my lip doing was when I started going out with a lad in my mid 20’s who had his done on both sides. I thought it looked so cool and he was just so cool to look at anyway, he just didn’t have the personality to match it. I didn’t get it done cos I didn’t think I was cool enough and I still definitely aren’t cool enough now!

Lately I’ve started to give less of an actual shit and the lip piercing thought came back into my head, so I thought sod it! If I don’t do it I’ll only be peeved in a few years that I didn’t. So my friend said to me the other week she was going to have another piercing done in her lip and asked if I wanted to go-hell yeah!

Last Thursday came, we went to the piercing clinic and piercings were on offer which was a huge bonus! The guy doing the piercing looked about 50 years old and had long hair tied back in a ponytail, bit of a Hells Angel-which I thought was quite cool! My friend went in first, got the middle bottom lip done-looked fab and was no bother.

I gets called in….

I asked for the left bottom lip doing with a ring, HA (Hells Angel) said no problem. So he cleaned it all and got all the tools out he needed and was telling me everything that he was doing, very professional. I asked how long he’d been piercing people and he said 19years, I already had confidence in him but if there was a lack of any this should of eased that!

HA squirted some numbing liquid into my mouth to hold there for a few seconds, then spat out and felt all numb like at the dentist. Lip being held by clamp thing and in the needle went, it didn’t really hurt too bad but as expected. The receiving tube fell out of my new hole before he grabbed the ring to put in!! HA was quite calm and just explained that sometimes this happens but he would have to re-pierce my lip to be able to get the ring in. I stayed calm and I really was ok with this, then he re-pierced my lip. OH MY FOOKING GOD, this time it WEEEEEENY hurt but as fast as that the pain was gone. He got the ring in and asked me to look in the little mirror to see if I was happy and I was apart from the crazy swelling and blood all over my chin, I had felt it dripping off as he was feeding the ring through but he had cleaned most of it up! My lip was wrapping itself round the ring, HA looked pretty worried! I said it looked pretty swollen and he said he’s never seen anything like it! I said it was up to him what he wanted to do if anything. He advised a long bar be put in for now but he wouldn’t need to re-pierce it thank god! He did have to use another receiving tube to feed back through the new hole to be able to feed through a bar. This was done and it was fine, then he told me to look at it again. It was so swollen and looked so low down but HA said it should move up and he’d put a ring in for me once the swelling went down.

I got home and I’d say this was a good hour later, the swelling had gone down loads and I could see a tiny dot where he’d gone through my lip the first time which to me looked the correct place but this piercing was still really low down, there was noway I’d of got a ring in it unless it was dolphin hoop jumping sized! I rang my friend cos I’d started to flap a bit and she told me to ring HA and see what he said. So I did, he said just take it out and pop back in a few days and he will sort it out. I was gutted but also happy that I wouldn’t end up with a dodgy lip!

A few days later after walking around with 2 tiny red dots on my left side of lip I got back to the piercing clinic and HA was there. We went straight down to his piercing room and my lip was still a bit bruised on the inside on the left so didn’t want to go through that side unless I waited few more days. URHHH! So in the right then, Bo said originally the right would of been better…maybe my left is dodgy!!!

HA said he was sorry about the trauma and he was talking to his piercing friends about my super swelling lip and that the whole thing just must of threw him off guard when he pierced it the second time-which I can totally understand. (years ago I waxed a ginger pubic area and those ginger pubes are strong little fookers-I ended up bruising this poor woman and it really knocked my confidence in waxing any pubies let alone ginger ones….but put it down to experience!!) So on with the lip piercing….

He did everything the same as the first time except he wanting to to put the longest bar he had in my lip straight away incase of super swelling again which I was fine with. It was all so straight forward, no blood at all and it did swell but the bar didn’t make it worse which the ring would of. He kept me sat there a little longer to make sure it didn’t go crazy and it didn’t.

My friend who came with me the first time said there was noway on this earth she’d of gone back as it would of put her off but I think cos I was quite calm all the way through (apart from mini phonecall flap) it all ended well and I hope it hasn’t knocked HA’s confidence!

I bloody love it though and I’m so glad I finally got it done!!!

I never do things by half anyway…..always a drama somewhere with me 😉

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Weird how times change

Life is pretty weird, I bet all the oldies think us ‘young uns’ are weird.

Back in the day when I was a kid, if I wanted to get intouch with a friend I’d walk to the nearest phone box. We had a phone at home but my Dad used to listen to my conversations (like most concerned fathers would when he hears his 13yr old talking about how they’re gonna get some cider-bad little Jo) so I was happy to save up my 10p’s to call my friends.

My parents never drove so we biked everywhere or got a bus if a little too far. Now we jump in our cars or have someone to drive us about (I know this isn’t the case for everyone). I was a late driver and I sometimes wish I hadn’t bothered. I miss biking but because running a car is so expensive I can’t afford to buy a bike! Stupid eh?! Plus my arse has grown in past 5yrs.

Computers…amazing things. My Leela, a 1yr old, can work an iPhone, knows what to press to find her games or even rings certain people ‘Hiyyaaa Nana….duu currr moooch yeah yeah nana’ then I realise she ain’t having a fake convo! School is going to be an amazing experience in the technology world of things for our kids. I just hope Leela will enjoy playing out with her friends-climbing trees, catching insects, making dens etc……I am a confirmed film bug and always have been but we had a back field behind our house so were always in it and with the dog too. Let’s hope Betsy grows out of ‘wanting to play’ with small kids by knocking them over in a few years so she can join in with Leela and her friends on their adventures.

Then we have fashion, I couldn’t even tell you what is the in thing to wear for a 32yr old woman-I live in leggings and baggy tops/dresses out of comfort and also I don’t have money to chuck around to buy the latest thing in Primark.

Relationships are maybe one thing that I’ve not notice change too much, everyone still has ups and downs which I’d say is normal. It’s awful when you see a friend totally change their personality for who they are with.

I heard on the radio last week that flying cars are gonna be available very soon but you need a pilot license which takes 3yrs to do….I’ll be amazed if I live to see one because I grew up watching many films with flying cars in! I best get Leela on a pilot course as soon as she’s old enough eh!

I do wonder what life on earth will be like in 40, 50yrs time. It’s scary when you think what has changed in the last 50yrs. Maybe we’ll all be walking about in Lady Gaga esq outfits & metal knickers for the grannies so peeing yourself ain’t a problem! It scares me that much I’m a bit anxious but I just hope we can all enjoy the ride to our final place floating amongst the stars.

You’re only young for a short while…

When we were kids our parents would tell us to reach for the stars, unfortunately young minds don’t take this in as much as we should do.

I am now 32 years old (and a half) and my 20’s were pretty rough and very serious but also totally wonderful because I became a mother. I experienced alot in all types of ways…good and bad. I know 32 isn’t mega old but I do feel I have to be a little bit more serious and ladylike but in all honesty it is time to really do what I really want to do before I regret not doing it.

I don’t have a clue what I really want to do career future wise but here’s a little list to keep me going:

* Have another baby

* Lose 2 stone

* Get fit enough so my knees don’t crunch

* Be a qualified fake lashes person

* Get clever with my hands (crafty)

* Read much more books to improve my intelligence (what my Dad told me)

* Finally get married to my Bo…that ring has been weighing my finger down for 2 and half years

* Buy our home so I can do what I want to it (renting sucks for wanting to put own stamp on)

* Learn Accountancy

* Write more (also what my Dad told me)

* Join a funky choir- I love singing and even though I’m not amazing at it, it’s fun and in the Cockerill blood

* Get drunk lots and dance

* Stick with the honest, happy friends…they’re positiveness rubs off

* Always sparkle in some way even if it’s new nail varnish

* Believe in myself (((Most important at the moment)))

Pretty crap list ain’t it, nothing exciting but if I don’t do it soon then I won’t ever do it.

Once I’m in my 70’s, peeing myself…(I already pee myself) I won’t be able to do certain things on my list-hopefully I will but the more I do now the better the future will be. Luckily my list isn’t stuff that will make me feel fulfilled with my life, I’m finally in a good place right now…these are just bonuses that will make me nag less.

So have a think of what YOU want to do with your life, who cares what anyone else thinks about me getting my lip pierced at my ripe age….I can’t regret it now can I?!

Now to pounce on Bo 😉

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Hello Cervix!

Last Wednesday night we had sexy time!!!!

Thursday morning I woke up with what can only be described as vaginal pain! Every time I sat on the loo I could feel something trying to crawl out of my vagina, I was getting a bit worried by Friday morning when I could still feel these pains.

So as i was in the shower Friday morning I thought I’d have a poke around….there it was. A little fleshy blob that I could push up with my finger. At this point I was freaking out and thinking was my womb falling out. I tried to clench my finger in hope this would save my collapsing womb but my muscles were not co-opperating!

I almost grabbed a Beta Blocker because I couldn’t breathe but instead I rang Bo. He answered panicking to what was wrong with me as I couldn’t get my words out. He just said ‘ring mum, she will know what to do!’

So i rings Mother in law-she’s in the bath but Bo’s big brother offered assistance ..I said it was girly stuff and hung up. So I called my doctor telling the receptionist my shower experience and she booked me in the see a doc in the next hour. I started to relax and also panic about the state of my hairy legs but she wouldn’t of seen them hopefully.

I get to the doctors, after an hour waiting I was called in. I’d never seen this doctor before so I gave her a quick run down of my vaginas history to which she cut me off saying ‘I thought this was an emergency appointment’. I said I’m getting to that!!!

Basically she had a look and a poke about, she said my vagina looks healthy (yeah!!) but there is a slight prolapse which is normal for someone who has had to babies. She asked if I was due on my period soon as it looked like it was filling up…I was due on in a few days. She also said that the fact I was stood up will of made it feel like it was hanging even lower.

She couldn’t explain the pains apart from possible new pre period pains which have now gone now my period is here. I have been off the pill for over a year now in hope to extend our family but it’s not happened as yet and I asked if the slight prolapse is why, she said probably not and to keep trying but I don’t want to become obsessed with it. The cramps I feel around period and ovulation are all normal too, I’ve just never noticed them because the pill will of masked all of these.

So check out your vaginas on a regular basis, get to know each other. I know what mine feels like normally but I don’t think I’ve really checked it out since not long after Leela was born. Your cervix will feel like the tip of your nose but a bit wet, it’s totally normally to be able to feel it at certain times of the month too.

April showers bring May flowers

This is a saying I’ve heard many times before but this morning I heard it twice.
It kinda made me excited that its almost May!

Excited that very soon on our doggy walks there’s going to be so many beautiful colours to see!!!

Excited that I get to wear my flip flops like EVERYDAY!

Not so excited I’m gonna have to keep on top of the toe hairs, long toenails, naked toenails, hairy legs, hairy armpits….

Excited that Leela can run about in just a pair of frilly knickers cos I would look stupid if I ran about in some!

Excited about going to the seaside with Betsy and watching her run all over the beach!

Excited to get Bo on with his ‘making a teepee’ project! (Squeeeeeee!)

Excited for BBQs!!

Excited for cider!!!!!

Excited for freckles!

Excited for dancing to The Strokes in my back garden!

That bloody sun better sort its shiz out….!!!

Believing in myself

Two weeks ago I had my last session of counselling, I’m kinda missing it.

I found it helpful which I didn’t think I would. I’ve had counselling few times years ago and it helped to a point but I felt the reasons I needed it this time were just silly…turns out it wasn’t!

My counsellor, Jacqui was great…she would join in with me swearing and assured me that I’ve every right to feel the way I have felt. We talked about my anxieties-that I think I must be horrible person because ‘horrible things happen to those who deserve it’, how I overthink everything, how I feel I have to explain the tiniest of things incase I’m judged, why I panic at even trying to defend myself and the list goes on….Jacqui actually said to me most of these things are just what make me ME! And I never looked at it that way before, things happen in your life and they change you for better or worse. It’s just how we choose to get on with it which I do get on with stuff on a ok level until something triggers the bad bit in my head and I’ve learnt my biggest thing is I need to just be more positive and that I’m not a bad person-I was told very recently that I’m accidentally funny and therapeutic to be around?!?! Ha!!
I’ve alot to thank of Jacqui, kinda felt like she was a new friend in a way.

Pretty much everyone has suffered loss of many different ways. When you have lost a loved one through death you would pretty much expect the support network (friends/family) are always gonna be around to keep your head above the pool of grief you tend to sometimes start to drown in. You certainly wouldn’t expect them to create a bad feeling at a time that was really important to you and not just the one important occasion but two! So that was the trigger for me on my downward slippy slope to making my demons unleash themselves in my head-which I won’t go into any detail about as it will only look like I’m lowering myself to their level.

So I’ve just had to admit that that was another loss, a loss of support I thought was strong and made me feel happy and safe. Things change, people change and we grow up. In a long partnership I do believe the key to keeping that partnership is that you both grow and change together-on the same wavelength. And that is just the same in a friendship as I’ve learnt.

So I decided I wanted to keep growing up, I want to be a role model that my daughter will look up to and always feel safe, happy and most importantly trust.
I just need to believe in myself that I am that person I know I am deep down.

I don’t want me and my family to be around controlling, lying and thoughtless people that make me feel sad….so they’ve been neatly placed in my recycle bins!
Too many awesome, happy and honest people in the world. They are who we wanna be around, they make us blossom into pretty flowers 🙂

Climbing a mountain

Sometimes having to talk about feelings is just difficult…I worry, I feel down, I overthink stuff, I worry, I’m too scared to voice my own opinion to defend myself and all this makes me feel pretty shit.

Last year at a time that really meant alot to me was basically turned into shit because some people are disrespectful and now will never be let back into my life because it made me have a really poorly head…it still is a bit.

I’d been to the doctors a few times to try express how I was feeling and unfortunately some doctors make you feel rushed so we don’t get out everything what we feel. This then has a knock on effect (for me it does anyway) and I can’t ever see how I’ll start climbing that mountain.

Luckily just before Xmas I fainted, never in my life have I fainted and luckily my little (heavily preg) sister was there who slapped me awake, she’s a good regular fainter when her blood is taken. This made me realise I have to go back to the docs and express everything.

So I did.

It was a doc I’d seen once about my dodgy back and was lovely. She had tears in her eyes while I told her my pain in my heart and also understood that a reality of losing support I thought I had in friends had a huge impact on me, she even hugged me! I felt this weight float off my shoulders. She asked if I had panic attacks, I said no but sometimes I feel a bit ‘flappy’ -breathless, dizzy, heart skipping a beat and a bit out of control…..she said this was all down to anxiety. I was shocked I’d not noticed these were all to do with panic attacks but i don’t often Dr Google, I felt like a bad mum, a bad partner to Bo (who for months and months has urging me to speak properly to a doctor) and I didn’t see any of this in me! She prescribed me some Beta blockers, which I’ve only had a few, usually on an evening, cos they make me feel stoned (not that I’ve ever been stoned…maybe passively stoned…) and I know most of my thinking which turns into flappy happens at night which makes the next day really flappy cos I’ve not slept and it’s still on my mind. She also sent me off for blood tests because I said I was convinced I had something wrong with me like there’s something inside me killing me slowly and that I’d never see my daughter grow up because I have lost my boy and will never see him grow up. The bloods came back with low Iron which my working part of brain had considered, so I’m also on Iron tabs.

The doctor chased my counseling that I’d been put on a list for when I started feeling down last year in summer and voila…days later I got a phonecall from my counselor to say she had a free app for me to start.

I am 3 weeks in and Bo has already seen the cheeky me coming back and I suddenly feel more relaxed about stuff-like I actually don’t give a shit…if someone has a problem with anything to do with me then it’s their problem and they can carry on presuming they know it all, I’m keeping busy and also being around honest, respectful people is helping. I’ve some great friends and those who really know me know how to deal with me and never make me feel like a piece of trampled shit or try to control me. My counselor has also said she likes the sound of me blogging/writing and has encouraged me to get back into it…so here I am.

So I’m not over that mountain and maybe won’t ever be but I know one thing and that is that I will be better than I have been for the sake of my family who I love so so much…even the furball who is growing up to be one amazing bitch….woman’s best friend 🙂

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